Friday, February 14, 2014

A Daveland Relationship Guide

Julia Roberts Richard Gere Pretty Woman photo

For Valentine's Day 2014, I am have put together a list of the 10 Types of Relationships that you can find in the movies (and in real life!). You will most likely recognize a few.

1. Opposites attract

In the movie "Pretty Woman," a wealthy businessman (Richard Gere) finds true love with a hooker (Julia Roberts). Audiences soon find out that they do share one thing: they both screw people over for money. See...if you look hard enough, we all have something in common!

In "All That Heaven Allows," Jane Wyman is a widowed socialite who falls for a rustic gardener, played by Rock Hudson. I wonder if he continued to trim her...trees...after the wedding?

Jane Wyman and Rock Hudson in All That Heaven Allows photo

A virginal young Australian and the leader of a greasy high school gang fall for each other in "Grease," which teaches the lesson that while smoking may be bad for your health, it does help you find true love.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in Grease photo

2. Revenge on Mama

What better way to piss your mom off than to dump your rich wealthy boyfriend and take up with a drifter? In "Titanic," Rose (Kate Winslet) does just that, ruining mama's chances at having a privileged life.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet Titanic photo

3. The Rebound

Great therapy for the person who is rebounding, but not so great for the person who eventually gets dumped. In "Bye Bye Birdie" Rosie (Janet Leigh) is heartbroken that her boyfriend (Dick Van Dyke) has chosen mama (Maureen Stapleton) over her once again, so she decides to go out on the town and have some fun. Rebound or not, I am sure that these nerdy shriners just didn't care. In a scanty bright yellow fringed outfit, the shapely Leigh would be one heartbreak worth experiencing!

Janet Leigh in Bye Bye Birdie photo

4. Can't Buy Me Love

A wealthy faded movie star and a two-bit writer without a dime in his pocket. That's the premise of "Sunset Boulevard." Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) gives new meaning to the word "crazy." It's no surprise that Joe (William Holden) decides he'd rather eat moldy bread than have caviar and champagne. See...the old adages are all true. Money can't buy you happiness, and it surely can't buy you love. At least not long-term.

Gloria Swanson William Holden Sunset Boulevard photo

5. Wanting What You Can't Have/Shouldn't Have/Cat and Mouse

For the most part, this one is pretty true for most of us. If it seems somewhat unattainable, we want it more. In "Back Street," Rae Smith (Susan Hayward) falls for a married man (John Gavin). His alcoholic wife (Vera Miles), who has just taken a drunk tumble, is not about to let go of her meal ticket.

John Gavin, Vera Miles, and Susan Hayward in Back Street photo

A married sexpot (Lana Turner) and a horny drifter (John Garfield). They should just leave well enough alone, but you know that ain't gonna' happen. BTW, I'd like to know in what neighborhood does "The Postman Always Rings Twice"? I'm lucky if he rings the doorbell once.

Cecil Kellaway, John Garfield, and Lana Turner in The Postman Always Rings Twice photo

She's married to a mobster. He's a slimy womanizing attorney. She plays hard to get. No surprise here...he's going to do what it takes to conquer this one. In "Body Heat," William Hurt gets a life sentence for going after this femme fatale (Kathleen Turner).

Kathleen Turner and William Hurt Body Heat photo

Ashley (Leslie Howard) is taken, so naturally Scarlett (Vivien Leigh) wants him.

Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind photo

With her heart belonging to Ashley, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) decides to go after her. Once Ashley is free, Scarlett realizes that she loves Rhett, who finally gets what he wants and then decides, aw the heck with it...I'm going home to mama. In "Gone with the Wind," nobody gets what they want, except for Ashley and Melanie (Olivia DeHavilland), who are cousins. Let's not discuss that. Moving on...

Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind photo

6. The Bromance

Batman (Adam West) and Robin (Burt Ward) were the epitome of a bromance in the 1960's tongue-in-cheek TV series "Batman." Whether or not they did more than just slide down the Batpole together is purely a matter of conjecture. I'll leave that to the tabloids.

Burt Ward and Adam West Batman photo

7. Wrong Side of the Tracks

Why are bad boys always so hot? Or is that what makes them hot? Valerie Kaprisky is a naive architectural student who gets burned by a scorching hot cop killer played by Richard Gere in "Breathless."

Richard Gere and Valerie Kaprisky in Breathless photo

8. Can't Pay The Bills

With his wealth eaten up by taxes, it's no surprise that Monte Beragon (Zachary Scott) is going to get hungry. Once he eats at Mildred's (Joan Crawford), Monte's money woes are over, in "Mildred Pierce." Monte ruins a good thing by sleeping with her trampy little daughter, too. For more details of another subset of this relationship, please refer to #5, wanting what you shouldn't have.

Zachary Scott and Joan Crawford Mildred Pierce photo

A ball-busting gold-digger (Kathleen Turner) finds the perfect mate in a wealthy yet naive doctor (Steve Martin) who has perfected the screw-top brain surgery method in "The Man With Two Brains." Unfortunately for the good doctor, the only thing he gets to screw are his patient's craniums.

Kathleen Turner and Steve Martin in The Man With Two Brains photo

9. Lazy Love

Sure, Esther Smith (Judy Garland) is a nice enough girl, but really...shouldn't she have done a little more dating before falling lazily in love with the boy next door? I wonder how long it took for her to get a wandering eye? "Meet Me in St. Louis" ends before we get that answer.

Tom Drake and Judy Garland in Meet Me In St. Louis photo

10. The Fixer-Upper

This is a dangerous one. If your partner has a lot of baggage when you first meet them, don't expect that things will get better after the "I Do's." Esther Blodgett finds out the hard way with her boozing hubby, Norman Maine (James Mason) in "A Star Is Born."

James Mason and Judy Garland in A Star Is Born photo

She's a frigid kleptomaniac with mommy issues; the perfect Fixer-Upper! Mark Rutland (Sean Connery) uses his best junior psychiatrist skills on Marnie (Tippi Hedren) so that he can create the perfect wife. He might have to wait for the answer, though. Looks like she might be doing some jailtime first.

Sean Connery and Tippi Hedren in Marnie photo

Not to be totally cynical, here is at least one example of True Love: Samantha (Molly Ringwald) and Jake (Michael Schoeffling) from 1983's "Sixteen Candles." Birthday cake never tasted so sweet!

Samantha and Jake played by Molly Ringwald and Michael Schoeffling in 1983's Sixteen Candles photo

Did I miss any? Hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a handle you have on the movies.