Friday, February 14, 2014
A Daveland Relationship Guide
For Valentine's Day 2014, I am have put together a list of the 10 Types of Relationships that you can find in the movies (and in real life!). You will most likely recognize a few.
1. Opposites attract
In the movie "Pretty Woman," a wealthy businessman (Richard Gere) finds true love with a hooker (Julia Roberts). Audiences soon find out that they do share one thing: they both screw people over for money. See...if you look hard enough, we all have something in common!
In "All That Heaven Allows," Jane Wyman is a widowed socialite who falls for a rustic gardener, played by Rock Hudson. I wonder if he continued to trim her...trees...after the wedding?
A virginal young Australian and the leader of a greasy high school gang fall for each other in "Grease," which teaches the lesson that while smoking may be bad for your health, it does help you find true love.
2. Revenge on Mama
What better way to piss your mom off than to dump your rich wealthy boyfriend and take up with a drifter? In "Titanic," Rose (Kate Winslet) does just that, ruining mama's chances at having a privileged life.
3. The Rebound
Great therapy for the person who is rebounding, but not so great for the person who eventually gets dumped. In "Bye Bye Birdie" Rosie (Janet Leigh) is heartbroken that her boyfriend (Dick Van Dyke) has chosen mama (Maureen Stapleton) over her once again, so she decides to go out on the town and have some fun. Rebound or not, I am sure that these nerdy shriners just didn't care. In a scanty bright yellow fringed outfit, the shapely Leigh would be one heartbreak worth experiencing!
4. Can't Buy Me Love
A wealthy faded movie star and a two-bit writer without a dime in his pocket. That's the premise of "Sunset Boulevard." Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) gives new meaning to the word "crazy." It's no surprise that Joe (William Holden) decides he'd rather eat moldy bread than have caviar and champagne. See...the old adages are all true. Money can't buy you happiness, and it surely can't buy you love. At least not long-term.
5. Wanting What You Can't Have/Shouldn't Have/Cat and Mouse
For the most part, this one is pretty true for most of us. If it seems somewhat unattainable, we want it more. In "Back Street," Rae Smith (Susan Hayward) falls for a married man (John Gavin). His alcoholic wife (Vera Miles), who has just taken a drunk tumble, is not about to let go of her meal ticket.
A married sexpot (Lana Turner) and a horny drifter (John Garfield). They should just leave well enough alone, but you know that ain't gonna' happen. BTW, I'd like to know in what neighborhood does "The Postman Always Rings Twice"? I'm lucky if he rings the doorbell once.
She's married to a mobster. He's a slimy womanizing attorney. She plays hard to get. No surprise here...he's going to do what it takes to conquer this one. In "Body Heat," William Hurt gets a life sentence for going after this femme fatale (Kathleen Turner).
Ashley (Leslie Howard) is taken, so naturally Scarlett (Vivien Leigh) wants him.
With her heart belonging to Ashley, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) decides to go after her. Once Ashley is free, Scarlett realizes that she loves Rhett, who finally gets what he wants and then decides, aw the heck with it...I'm going home to mama. In "Gone with the Wind," nobody gets what they want, except for Ashley and Melanie (Olivia DeHavilland), who are cousins. Let's not discuss that. Moving on...
6. The Bromance
Batman (Adam West) and Robin (Burt Ward) were the epitome of a bromance in the 1960's tongue-in-cheek TV series "Batman." Whether or not they did more than just slide down the Batpole together is purely a matter of conjecture. I'll leave that to the tabloids.
7. Wrong Side of the Tracks
Why are bad boys always so hot? Or is that what makes them hot? Valerie Kaprisky is a naive architectural student who gets burned by a scorching hot cop killer played by Richard Gere in "Breathless."
8. Can't Pay The Bills
With his wealth eaten up by taxes, it's no surprise that Monte Beragon (Zachary Scott) is going to get hungry. Once he eats at Mildred's (Joan Crawford), Monte's money woes are over, in "Mildred Pierce." Monte ruins a good thing by sleeping with her trampy little daughter, too. For more details of another subset of this relationship, please refer to #5, wanting what you shouldn't have.
A ball-busting gold-digger (Kathleen Turner) finds the perfect mate in a wealthy yet naive doctor (Steve Martin) who has perfected the screw-top brain surgery method in "The Man With Two Brains." Unfortunately for the good doctor, the only thing he gets to screw are his patient's craniums.
9. Lazy Love
Sure, Esther Smith (Judy Garland) is a nice enough girl, but really...shouldn't she have done a little more dating before falling lazily in love with the boy next door? I wonder how long it took for her to get a wandering eye? "Meet Me in St. Louis" ends before we get that answer.
10. The Fixer-Upper
This is a dangerous one. If your partner has a lot of baggage when you first meet them, don't expect that things will get better after the "I Do's." Esther Blodgett finds out the hard way with her boozing hubby, Norman Maine (James Mason) in "A Star Is Born."
She's a frigid kleptomaniac with mommy issues; the perfect Fixer-Upper! Mark Rutland (Sean Connery) uses his best junior psychiatrist skills on Marnie (Tippi Hedren) so that he can create the perfect wife. He might have to wait for the answer, though. Looks like she might be doing some jailtime first.
Not to be totally cynical, here is at least one example of True Love: Samantha (Molly Ringwald) and Jake (Michael Schoeffling) from 1983's "Sixteen Candles." Birthday cake never tasted so sweet!
Did I miss any? Hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
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